I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
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