My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
