i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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