haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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