then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize