There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
