Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
