When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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