where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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