I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Sober January is a disaster.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
