I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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