but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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