im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
