if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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