I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
