There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
