I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
