The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
