So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
