The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
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