Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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