do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
