lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
