I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
