Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
