it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
