PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
My vagina is very pro this idea
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
