jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
