guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
