There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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