I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
