If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
