I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
