we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
