i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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