mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
