it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
