I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
