I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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