I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
