If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
