There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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