Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
