Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
