its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
