If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
operation have a gay friend backfired
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
