i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
