I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
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