I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
