I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
