pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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