just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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