We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
