So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
How drunk are you?
Completed.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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