Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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