i wish my penis had a tongue
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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