You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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