My hair reeks of homosexuality.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
