Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
