hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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