Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
