I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
