hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
