Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
They are going to name an STD after you.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
