just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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