I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
