I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
